police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
twitter is a journey
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The glockness monster
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.