So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
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Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on