Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me: