Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Oh, I bet you would be
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.