I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
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My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
We didn鈥檛 clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 馃檨
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Air conditioning – not a fan
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that鈥檚-that鈥檚 not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what鈥檚 up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.