It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
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My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’