i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
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Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I know a bad idea when I see one.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
never deleting this app.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”