Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
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True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Meow
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁