“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
i wish we could shoplift online
oh no, steve’s working tonight
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Terribly Tuesday.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
my astrological sign is a french fry
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.