Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do