I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
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Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?