Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat