It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Tough love is true love
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I feel this so hard
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up