I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.