My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.