90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Good dog. ❤️
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.