Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
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As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing