Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Thinking about Jeff
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.