[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
And now we wait
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Natty or not?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
“No way.” -Jose
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?