airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
“i am a sweet baby”
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
our love story in four pictures
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”