[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Cheer up.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”