*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.