I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
estão todos miauvindo?
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.