*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
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Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Miscakes
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’