[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
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Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.