*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond