Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You Might Also Like
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
These aliens are taking forever.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.