Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
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Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.