Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“I FIXED IT!”
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes