Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
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The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My what?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.