“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
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Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
me when the borders lift
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.