*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.