Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
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What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink