what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
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Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
me linking you to my twitter
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.