7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
New tinder profile pic
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer