Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought