I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*