If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*jazz hands*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.