*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
You Might Also Like
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Sorry not sorry.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
No one :
Me when I swimming :
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The Onion called it…again.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.