One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Thoughts
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]