“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
selena gomez
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
War & Peace