sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority