it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
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Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.