Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.