There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
How do you milk an almond?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.