[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.