If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
plums roundup
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs