Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap