My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
You Might Also Like
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
this makes me so uncomfortable
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.