I need to update my racial profile.
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I did not eat the cake…
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.